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Humour the best of medicine

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  #1176  
Old 23rd May 2022, 12:51
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Saw Tommy Cooper doing a routine on TV and this is a typical TC joke, all about the delivery.

"I went to the Doctor and told him I think I've broken my arm in several places."
He said: "Well don't go to those places."
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1177  
Old 24th May 2022, 16:05
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Hi Ho Silver

https://www.shippinghistory.com/images/attach/jpg.gif
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  #1178  
Old 25th May 2022, 22:44
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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The Lone Ranger and his trusty sidekick had to camp overnight so they pitched their tent and went to bed. Lone ranger woke during the night and shook his buddy. See all the millions of stars in the heavens he said. Yes, Kemsabe was his reply.
Someone has stolen the bloody tent he said.
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  #1179  
Old 26th May 2022, 07:24
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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One of the first programmes I watched on our new "KB New Queen" television set, about 1958 or 9.
Great fun was had adjusting the Vertical and Horizontal Hold buttons at the back. It was also switched off in bad weather in case lightening came down the aerial and blew the set, and us, up. Innocent or what.
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  #1180  
Old 26th May 2022, 10:16
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ES's Television Saga over the years .... (retreats to Nuclear Bunker.)
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1181  
Old 26th May 2022, 12:37
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Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,

If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,

If you can conquer tension without medical help,

If you can relax without alcohol,

If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,



Then You Are Probably The Family Dog
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  #1182  
Old 26th May 2022, 13:28
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Time to go….
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  #1183  
Old 26th May 2022, 15:32
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BobClay View Post
ES's Television Saga over the years .... (retreats to Nuclear Bunker.)
Quite accurate, just add a pair of glasses and you have me.
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  #1184  
Old 26th May 2022, 20:12
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1966 : Long hair

2021 : Longing for hair



1966: KEG
2021 : EKG



1966 : Acid rock
2021: Acid reflux



1966: Moving to California because it's cool

2021 : Moving to Arizona because it's warm



1966 : Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor

2021 : Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Liz Taylor



1966: Hoping for a BMW
2021 : Hoping for a BM



1966: Going to a new, hip joint
2021 : Receiving a new hip joint



1966 : Rolling Stones
2021 : Kidney Stones



1966: Screw the system
2021 : Upgrade the system



1966: Disco
2021 : Costco



1966: Passing the drivers' test
2021 : Passing the vision test



1966 : Whatever

2021 : Depends
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  #1185  
Old 26th May 2022, 22:58
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Good one Uncle John! Very true!
Best Regards,
Dave
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  #1186  
Old 3rd June 2022, 09:13
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“Doctor, I think I’m losing my mind. It’s really getting to me, how I mix up my E’s and I’s, and O’s and U’s.”

He replied, to “No, your mind Is fine, you’ve developed irritable vowel syndrome.”
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  #1187  
Old 4th June 2022, 10:16
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I have family scattered about throughout the Black Country. They sent me this which gave me a much needed laugh as I ply through chemo therapy.

"I ay a Brummie." I had to say that a few times when joining a ship.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1188  
Old 4th June 2022, 22:33
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He shouldn't have asked.
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  #1189  
Old 4th June 2022, 22:42
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron Stringer View Post
He shouldn't have asked.
An American humourist claimed that all kamikaze pilots who saw actual service were the ones who failed basic training.
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  #1190  
Old 6th June 2022, 14:36
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My mate phoned me & said “I'm 20 hours into my sponsored Semaphore Signalling marathon.”

I replied, “Then why are you ringing me?”

He said “ ‘Cos I'm just starting to flag quite badly.”
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  #1191  
Old 6th June 2022, 23:42
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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"I see your eyes are working," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"I see your ears are working, too," says the duck. "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that," says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. "It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub..
What are you doing round this way?"

"I'm working on the building site across the road," explains the duck. "I'm a plasterer."
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks..
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him "You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!"
"Sounds marvelous," says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. "Get him to give me a call."
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, "Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money."
"I'm always looking for the next job," says the duck. "Where is it?"
"At the circus," says the barman.
"The circus?" repeats the duck.
"That's right," replies the barman.
"The circus?" the duck asks again. "That place with the big tent?"
"Yeah," the barman replies.
"With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?" says the duck.
"Of course," the barman replies.
"And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?" persists the duck.
"That's right!" says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . ..
"What the f**k would they want with a plasterer???!!!"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1192  
Old 7th June 2022, 07:14
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Bob, did you sit in front of your PC and sacrifice 2 hours of your life typing a story about a duck??? Are you trying to outstringer Ron Stringer?
I suppose it's better than watching Newsnight this evening.
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  #1193  
Old 7th June 2022, 07:39
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You must be kwackers…
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  #1194  
Old 7th June 2022, 09:22
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Outstring Ron Stringer ..... ??

That would be like drawing down on Raylan Givens ....

I know my place.
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1195  
Old 7th June 2022, 09:58
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“Dad, there’s a man at the door with a bill”
“Don’t be silly, it can’t be a man, it must be a duck”
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  #1196  
Old 7th June 2022, 10:20
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You have to admit that a duck that can plaster a wall is an expert about cwacks.
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  #1197  
Old 7th June 2022, 11:07
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You have to admit that a duck that can plaster a wall is an expert about cwacks.

I wouldn't employ him, hate to see the size of his bill.
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  #1198  
Old 7th June 2022, 11:14
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(Jeezuz what have I done ??)
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #1199  
Old 7th June 2022, 15:48
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I wouldn't employ him, hate to see the size of his bill.
He would only spend it all in the pub getting plastered.
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  #1200  
Old 8th June 2022, 10:00
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My daft mate said to me, “If I was a rapper I’d give myself the handle Gershwin & I’d sell my music exclusively on Compact Disc, with Azur coloured cover art.”

Why so specific?", says me.

“Because then, they’d be Gershwins Rap CDs in Blue!”
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