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Humour the best of medicine

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  #501  
Old 3rd April 2020, 10:00
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Will he flatten the sombrero?
Boris will be delighted.
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  #502  
Old 3rd April 2020, 14:06
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Originally Posted by Makko View Post
It isn't, Dave. I find it amusing!
Sorry - it was meant to be a bit sardonic.
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  #503  
Old 3rd April 2020, 21:59
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Originally Posted by Dave McGouldrick View Post
Sorry - it was meant to be a bit sardonic.
Sorry Dave! Humour failure on my part!!! Mexican joke:

In the Colisseum, they bring up three PoWs before Caesar, an American, an Englishman and a Mexican. They asked if they should just be thrown into the arena to fight gladiators or wild animals.

Caesar thought a bit and answered,"No, let us whip them, tied to a post to see who is the toughest. He shall go free!"

A post was set up and the American tied to it. A huge ex-oar master from a trireme came out with a whip and began to beat the American. The crowd chanted with each lash to please Caesar. "......8.........9...", Just then, the American screamed out, pleading for his mother and begging for mercy. He was cut down and dragged out of the arena.

Next up was the Englishman. Having witnessed the speactacle, he was rather nervous but, with a stiff upper lip and rule Brittania attitude, he was tied to the post.

Again the crowd counted the lashings, "...9.....10.....11". when they passed twenty, the crowd gasped, yet the Englishman continued to endure his ordealthrough tightly gritted teeth. "27....28...29..". Just then, the Englishman let out a blood curdling scream, begging for mercy! He was cut down and dragged out the arena. The crowd mumbled, admiring the resistance of the Englishman.

Then came the turn of the Mexican. The crowd gasped as he was led out. He was very short, wiry and bronzed. In the crowd, there was much head shaking and people began to claim that their bets were won.

The Mexican was tied to the post and the whipping began. People were surprised when they went past 20 strokes, then thirty, then forty! Finally at a count of fifty, the ex-oar master, sweating profusely and rubbing his arm muscles, asked permission to address Caesar:
"Sire, I am through! This man has proved his toughness. He has withstood more than a dozen Imperial Guards could have between them. I beseech you to free him!"

Caesar put on his Laurel leaf crown, stoos, adjusted his toga and, raising his right thumb spoke,"I agree, let this man free!!".

Just then, there were murmurings amongst the considerable number of Mexicans in the crowd and a Wave started, slowly and then gathering speed, circling the colisseum! Then, a chant began, quietly at first but gathering strength:

"A-la beow, a-la bow, a-la bim bom bam! The Deaf Mute, THE DEAF MUTE, RAH, RAH, RAH!!"
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  #504  
Old 3rd April 2020, 23:53
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I've always considered myself to be a student of science. As such I tend to be very wary of mumbo jumbo subjects like astrology.
But having seen this incredible prediction ... I'm starting to think there may be something in it ...
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  #505  
Old 5th April 2020, 13:30
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I have to admit I fell for it .... you might not get it if you don't use Facebook.

A lady I know posted this .....

WTF is wrong with people? 🤬🤬🤬
So I went to Morrison’s yesterday for some needed bits'n'bobs food wise. Whilst I’m standing looking in the freezer section this absolute balloon comes up behind me and starts TAPPING on my shoulder. I obviously tried to ignore him (my blood was boiling though). The fool just keeps tapping and tapping and then...
THIS is where it gets interesting!!
So the idiot kept tapping .... See More
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #506  
Old 7th April 2020, 15:15
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Meters At The Ready

Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes.


I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.


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  #507  
Old 7th April 2020, 17:17
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"Not 2 metres apart !! ..... you're nicked !!"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #508  
Old 9th April 2020, 15:51
DAVIDJM United Kingdom DAVIDJM is offline
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ok lads space out
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  #509  
Old 9th April 2020, 15:59
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John Rogers United States John Rogers is online now
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THE IRISH ANGLER



The rain was pouring down. And there standing in front of a big puddle
outside the pub, was an old Irishman, drenched, holding a stick with a
piece of string dangling in the water.



A passer-by stopped and asked, "What are you doing?"



"Fishing" replied the old man....



Feeling sorry for the old man, the gent said, "Come in out of the rain
and have a drink with me."



In the warmth of the pub, as they sip their whiskeys, the gentleman
cannot resist asking, "So how many have you caught today?"



"You're the eighth" said the old man.
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  #510  
Old 9th April 2020, 20:25
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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And don't throw your crusts on 34th Street.
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  #511  
Old 10th April 2020, 09:07
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Speaking of fishing .....
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  #512  
Old 10th April 2020, 09:13
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Speaking of fishing .....
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  #513  
Old 10th April 2020, 09:21
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The stuff rozzers have to deal with ….
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  #514  
Old 12th April 2020, 08:29
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Memory Man
An Englishman was touring the USA on holiday and stopped in a remote bar in the mountains of Nevada. He was chatting to the bartender when he spied an old Native American sitting in the corner. “Who’s he?” asked the man.

“That’s the Memory Man.” said the bartender. “He knows everything. He can remember any fact. Go and try him out.”

So the man goes over, and thinking he won’t know about English football, asks “Who won the 1965 FA Cup Final?”

“Liverpool,” replies the Memory Man.

“Who did they beat?”

“Leeds,” was the reply.

“And the score?”

“2-1.”

“Who scored the winning goal?”

“Ian St. John,” was the old man’s reply.

The tourist was bowled over by this and told everyone back home in England about the Memory Man when he returned.

A few years later he went back to the USA and tried to find the impressive Memory Man. Eventually he found the bar and sitting in the same seat was the same person only this time he was older and more wrinkled.

Because he was so impressed, man decided to greet the Native American in the traditional way. He approached him with the greeting “How”.

The Memory Man replied, “Diving header in the six yard box.”
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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #515  
Old 12th April 2020, 12:35
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Ian St John deserves better.
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  #516  
Old 14th April 2020, 21:44
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
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Seen on one of those posters outside a church in Liverpool in the 60s
'What would you do if Jesus returned to earth?'
Some wag had scrawled underneath in black marker
'Move St. John onto the wing'
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  #517  
Old 14th April 2020, 23:38
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Both memorable players: Ian St. John and Emlyn Hughes.

Did anyone ever buy a fireplace off Phil Thompson? Just asking like, Lar!
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  #518  
Old 15th April 2020, 07:12
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Originally Posted by Les Gibson View Post
Seen on one of those posters outside a church in Liverpool in the 60s
'What would you do if Jesus returned to earth?'
Some wag had scrawled underneath in black marker
'Move St. John onto the wing'
In Belfast we believe Jesus can kick with both feet.
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  #519  
Old 15th April 2020, 08:39
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Malcolm G Malcolm G is offline
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In Belfast we believe Jesus can kick with both feet.
Obviously - Both left footed and right footed at the same time
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  #520  
Old 15th April 2020, 11:30
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I can think of a riposte however it is Easter week.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #521  
Old 15th April 2020, 12:00
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Your wit and repartee is exceeded only by your Easter Solemnity. You are truly a Christian.
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  #522  
Old 15th April 2020, 12:58
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Varley Isle of Man Varley is offline
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More than a hint of the heathen I would have thought.

An odd word, Christian. Culture, superstition, compliment, calling, persona, 'colour'.

Our parents were quite happy to leave us in the care of a headmaster all thought queer. "Because they knew him to be a good Christian Gentleman". I emphasis that they were right to do so.
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #523  
Old 19th April 2020, 19:47
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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head lines

A patient in a psychiatric hospital escaped by going through the laundry facility.
As he had been isolated for some time when passing through he sexually accosted one of the ladies working there.
The newspaper headlines were
Nut screws washer and bolts.
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  #524  
Old 24th April 2020, 09:36
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CYCLOPS: "How do you spell Hawaii ?"

WIFE (biting lip) : "Well I think you need 2 i's."

CYCLOPS (putting pen down) : "My life is just a joke to you isn't it Linda ?"
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #525  
Old 25th April 2020, 00:20
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lakercapt View Post
A patient in a psychiatric hospital escaped by going through the laundry facility.
As he had been isolated for some time when passing through he sexually accosted one of the ladies working there.
The newspaper headlines were
Nut screws washer and bolts.
Lakercapt, nice to see "BS308" stuck with you! We had Ron Williams for O Level E.D. in Mosslands - Things that should not be "hatched" when producing a sectioned (hence reference to psychiatric care!) drawing.

Ron was a Cadet with one of the first intakes at Birkenhead Tech in 1968/9 (Anglo Saxon Oil) and was taught by my Dad. He later ended up at Mosslands (previously Wallasey Technical Grammar - unique in Britain) as an engineering and drawing teacher without a teaching certificate - My father having argued, successfully, on his behalf, based on his industry credentials (one I remember, designing Tyre moulds for Pirelli in Milan!) and Marine Eng. HND.

I worked briefly with Ron at the Laird Foundation, prior to starting on a permanent position, when I relocated to the UK during 2000 - 2006. Unfortunately, he died in retirement, having at last bought a horse which he was riding at West Kirby/Red Rocks. He fell from the horse, suffering a severe cranial trauma and cardiac arrest. RIP Ron Williams. I must say, his character never changed, always good humoured and with a sly joke on the tip of his tongue!

Rgds.
Dave
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