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  #26  
Old 3rd May 2017, 09:32
Chadburn Chadburn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tom Alexander View Post
You got any 'oes???

(Just 'avin you on!)
Got some eeeeeee's by gum.
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  #27  
Old 3rd May 2017, 10:25
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"Got any plugs."
"What sort of plug ? sink plug ? bath plug ?"
"13 amp."

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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #28  
Old 9th May 2017, 21:28
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Having camped a bit myself over the decades in many remote mountainous areas I had to laugh when I saw this picture.
I can't deny I don't camp anymore, at least not by choice.
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  #29  
Old 12th May 2017, 12:32
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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You will chuckle as you read this ..... Because as stupid as it may
sound, this is exactly what we do!



GOD to ST. FRANCIS:

Frank , You know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going
on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets,
milkweeds and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance
garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and
multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts
butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast
garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.

St. FRANCIS:

It's the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites.
They started calling your flowers 'weeds' and went to
great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.

GOD:

Grass? But, it's so boring. It's not colorful. It doesn't attract
butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It's sensitive to
temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing
there?

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green.
They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant
that crops up in the lawn.

GOD:

The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That
must make the Suburbanites happy.

ST. FRANCIS:

Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes
twice a week.

GOD:

They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?

ST. FRANCIS:

Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.

GOD:

They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?

ST. FRANCIS:

No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.

GOD:

Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And,
when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?

ST. FRANCIS:

Yes, Sir.

GOD:

These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the
rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot
of work.

ST. FRANCIS:

You aren't going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so
fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it, so they can
continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.

GOD:

What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke
of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to
provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the
ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect
the trees and bushes. It's a natural cycle of life.

ST. FRANCIS:

You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon
as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and pay to have them
hauled away.

GOD:

No!? What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to
keep the soil moist and loose?

ST. FRANCIS:

After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they
call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.

GOD:

And where do they get this mulch?

ST. FRANCIS:

They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.

GOD:

Enough! I don't want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you're in
charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?

ST. CATHERINE:

'Dumb and Dumber', Lord. It's a story about....

GOD:

Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St. Francis.
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  #30  
Old 20th May 2017, 10:16
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So true ......
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  #31  
Old 3rd June 2017, 20:52
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You probably need a few years on the clock before you get this joke ......
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  #32  
Old 4th June 2017, 20:20
Rob Pithers Rob Pithers is offline
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Love it. The magnet takes the biscuit!!
Rob
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  #33  
Old 4th June 2017, 20:24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rob Pithers View Post
Love it. The magnet takes the biscuit!!
Rob
And the system
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  #34  
Old 13th June 2017, 13:52
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you

need a proper prescription ... Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is

not enough."
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  #35  
Old 15th June 2017, 20:08
Naytikos Cayman Islands Naytikos is offline
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Re. post 31-33


Is the joke the fact that the magnet will have erased the data on the disc/disk? Or am I too old to get it? Can't get on with those new-fangled disks, they are too small for the slot.
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  #36  
Old 15th June 2017, 20:15
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Yep that's the joke ... (such as it is.)

The 'years on the clock' comment was the fact you'd have to remember those 720k / 1.4m floppies (which were actually the primary drives on some early PC's, you'd have two slots, one for the OS and one for working, there wasn't a hard drive period !!)

You know you're getting old when things you remember as being the state of the art become quaint antiquities, or aren't even recognised by today's users.
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  #37  
Old 15th June 2017, 21:24
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360K 5.25" floppies were what I had in my first computer.
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  #38  
Old 15th June 2017, 21:55
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And the 5.25's were actually 'floppy.'
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #39  
Old 16th June 2017, 00:51
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My first was Trash 80. A cassette was all there was (and about 4 K RAM)
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David V
Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #40  
Old 16th June 2017, 01:24
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Never mind the 5.25 inch floppy discs - our organisation started with an IBM 23 which I think used 7 inch discs.
We also had a Prime 2250 which was around a cubic metre, occupied an airconditioned room had several hard discs like LP records and had a fabulous capacity of 256 mb (or something equally ridiculous).
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  #41  
Old 16th June 2017, 08:50
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I remember changing out the disks at the place nearby where I worked watches each day just after midnight. Large banks of Winchester style disks in drives about the size of a washing machine. They had only a fraction of the capacity of a modern flash drive.

The first computer I took to sea was a ZX81, bought as a small kit. With the dreaded 16k ram pack plugged into the back (definitely not made with vibrating ships in mind.)

Then I moved onto the Oric, 6502 based, only way to save anything with that was via a cassette tape. Got a sound synthesiser board for it and then bollocked by the Old Man for making weird noises in the radio room ("Come on Captain, it's the radio room, it's supposed to have weird noises !" )
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #42  
Old 16th June 2017, 11:17
Jolly Jack England Jolly Jack is offline
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Getting back to humour, I like one liners and at the moment my favourite is......


Officer. Corporal Jones, I didn't see you at Camouflage Practice yesterday.


Jones. Thank you very much sir!
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  #43  
Old 16th June 2017, 11:34
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One of the greatest one liners of all time comes from ancient times. King Philip of Macedonia (father of Alexander the Great) decided to clump around Greece with his army knocking over all the little states in order to unify.

As he crossed into the Peloponnese he figure the state of Sparta might be a tough nut to crack. So he sent a messenger offering terms of surrender with the rider that they shouldn't reject them as: "If I come into Sparta I will slay and burn your kingdom to the ground."

The Spartans sent the messenger back with a one word reply:

"If."

Since Sparta is in an area known as Laconia, this is said to be the origin of the term 'Laconic Statement.' Lots of information in very few words.

Philip decided to give Sparta a miss.
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #44  
Old 16th June 2017, 11:57
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Napier is reputed to have sent the message "Peccavi" (I have sinned) to inform the army bosses that he had gone against orders. He had taken Sind. Spoilsports now seem to think the message and the pun were thought up later.
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  #45  
Old 26th June 2017, 08:33
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Retired older couple returned to a Mercedes dealership where the salesman has just sold the car they were interested in to a beautiful, leggy, busty blonde in a mini skirt and a halter top. The old man was visibly upset. He spoke to the salesman sharply. "Young man, I thought you said you would hold that car till we raised the $55,000 asking price," said the older man. "Yet I just heard you closed the deal for $45,000 to the lovely young lady there."
"And if I remember right, you had insisted there was no way you could discount this model." The salesman took a deep breath, cleared his throat and reached for a large glass of water. "Well, what can I tell you? She had the cash ready, didn't need any financing help, and, Sir, just look at her, how could I resist?", replied the grinning salesman sheepishly.
Just then the young woman approached the senior couple and gave the car keys to the old man. "There you go," she said. "I told you I could get that idiot to lower the price...." "See you later, Dad
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  #46  
Old 13th July 2017, 19:14
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...the Guillotine operator during the French Revolution... the first known hacker...

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Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #47  
Old 13th July 2017, 21:44
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Breaking News;

There was an accident on the M1 today that stopped traffic for several hours. A road tanker loaded with molasses collided with another road tanker carrying a full load of treacle. There was only one fatality as one of the drivers came to a sticky end.

(Apologies again are due to the Two Ronnies.)
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  #48  
Old 20th July 2017, 19:39
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Philosophy covered on a tee shirt .....
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(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #49  
Old 23rd July 2017, 22:08
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Some oldies

Found these on an old usb stick......
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  #50  
Old 23rd July 2017, 22:55
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Got to nick some of those Dave ....
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