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Humour the best of medicine

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  #276  
Old 14th March 2019, 12:44
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Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night.

So I went to a shrink and told him:
“I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it.
I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy.”

“Just put yourself in my hands for one year.” said the shrink.
“Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“Eighty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor.

“I'll sleep on it,” I said.

Six months later the doctor met me on the street.
“Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” he asked.

“Well, eighty bucks a visit, three times a week for a year, is $12,480.00.
A bartender cured me for $10.
I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought me a new pickup truck.”

“Is that so?”
With a bit of an attitude he said, “And how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?”

“He told me to cut the **** legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”

It's always better to get a second opinion. . . .

geoff
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  #277  
Old 14th March 2019, 22:06
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Beer every time

https://youtu.be/cca1IfyJ0AE
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  #278  
Old 14th March 2019, 22:57
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I went to value a house, I was the tape holder and scribe.

"Main room, 12' 6""

Elderly owner "Doctors saved my life"

"Really? 10' 3""

"Yes saved my life"

This went on through the whole house until just before we left

"Doctors saved my life, cut my ballocks off, I was shagging myself to death!"

Silence, then "We will send you a valuation".
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  #279  
Old 15th March 2019, 17:50
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On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.
The couple find themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.

While waiting, they start to wonder: Could they get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter shows up, they immediately ask him.

St. Peter replies, “I don’t know. This is the first time anyone has asked.
Let me go find out.” He leaves.

The couple sat and waited for St. Peter to return, but he never did.
Nine weeks later, and the couple were still waiting.
They started to wonder, if things didn’t work out, could they get a divorce in heaven?
Another month later, St. Peter finally returns, looking somewhat bedraggled.

“Yes,” he informs the couple. “You can get married in Heaven.”

“Awesome!” the couple responds enthusiastically.
“But we were just wondering, what if things don’t work out?
Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?”

St. Peter’s face suddenly turned red with anger.
He slammed his clipboard to the ground.
Frightened, the couple asked “What’s wrong?”

“OH, COME ON!” St. Peter shouted. “It took me three months to find a priest up here!
Do you have any idea how long it’ll take me to find a lawyer?”

geoff
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  #280  
Old 15th March 2019, 23:41
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
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Like it Erimus
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  #281  
Old 18th March 2019, 20:01
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Whenever I’m up In Lancashire I always try and pop in to see my friend Derek Jones at his place of work.
He works in a garment factory doing a bit of running round for the boss.

I went a year ago and said “I’ve come to see Derek Jones”

“Oh” said the boss, “you’ve missed him, he’s popped out, he’s gone for cotton”

So I tried again a few months later, I called in.

Again the boss said “You’ve missed him again, he’s popped out, he’s gone for cotton”

I called in again and said “I’m here to see Derek Jones... is he here, or has he popped out for cotton again”

“Oh” said the boss” He died a few weeks ago. But see that cemetery over the road? He’s over there”

So I found his gravestone and it said.

Here lies Derek Jones.
Gone, but not for cotton.
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Last edited by BobClay; 19th March 2019 at 20:14.
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  #282  
Old 19th March 2019, 18:55
Les Gibson United Kingdom Les Gibson is offline
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AAARRGHHHH Bob. All that time with CP Ships has done you in
Take care.
Les
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  #283  
Old Yesterday, 21:03
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I know it's daft, but it made me laugh out loud. I'm in my village Facebook group and there are always complaints about dog business on the pavements. So I posted this and I'm happy to say everybody got the joke.
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File Type: jpg businessdog.jpg (135.3 KB, 13 views)
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