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  #51  
Old 24th July 2017, 10:52
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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More oldies

Help yourself Bob - here's a couple more
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  #52  
Old 24th July 2017, 21:09
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George Carlin.

In his prime, a comic genius. I once had an album of his humour, I think it was called "Class Clown," (?)

"Father, if God is so great, can he make a rock so big that he can't pick it up?"

"Gee George, that's a really tough one..."
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  #53  
Old 31st July 2017, 19:08
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Smirnoff ( Dragged from failing braincells)

'I thought cunnilingus was the Irish national airline till I discovered Smirnoff'

'I thought Wan King was the capital of China before I discovered Smirnoff'
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  #54  
Old 31st July 2017, 19:40
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Knock knock
Who's there ?
Doctor
Doctor Who ?

EXTERMINATE EXTERMINATE .. !!
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  #55  
Old 2nd August 2017, 15:31
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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Women drivers
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  #56  
Old 2nd August 2017, 19:21
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Maybe so, but I bet inside is dust free and properly hoovered ..... (... retreats to bunker.)
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  #57  
Old 11th August 2017, 13:17
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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A gynaecologist became so fed up with malpractice insurance and other statutory requirements that he embarked on a career change, where his already skillful hands could still be of use. He went to the local technical college and took evening classes to become a mechanic.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"No, the instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because, before this, I've never seen it all done through the exhaust pipe."
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  #58  
Old 11th August 2017, 14:23
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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Heard about the car enthusiast who made love to a Princess and burnt his b**ls on the exhaust pipe ?
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  #59  
Old 11th August 2017, 20:01
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Had to laugh ...
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  #60  
Old 11th August 2017, 20:07
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I was in the supermarket today when a man started throwing milk, cheese and butter at me.

I thought:

How Dairy!
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  #61  
Old 11th August 2017, 20:13
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To save you the trouble Bob!
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  #62  
Old 12th August 2017, 09:37
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Thanks. My Groan-o-meter is undergoing repair for PTSD.
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  #63  
Old 13th August 2017, 14:58
Dave McGouldrick Dave McGouldrick is offline
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a teaser

who discovered what
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  #64  
Old 13th August 2017, 16:23
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From another website, The Alzheimer Spouse (my husband had Alzheimer's):

Here is an e-mail sent to Clarence Page of the Chicago Tribune after an article he published concerning a name change for the Washington Redskins.

Dear Mr. Page: I agree with our Native American population. I am highly insulted by the racially charged name of the Washington Redskins. One might argue that to name a professional football team after Native Americans would exalt them as fine warriors, but nay, nay. We must be careful not to offend, and in the spirit of political correctness and courtesy, we must move forward.

Let's ditch the Kansas City Chiefs, the Atlanta Braves and the Cleveland Indians. If your shorts are in a wad because of the reference the name Redskins makes to skin color, then we need to get rid of the Cleveland Browns.

The Carolina Panthers obviously were named to keep the memory of militant Blacks from the 60's alive. Gone. It's offensive to us white folk.

The New York Yankees offend the Southern population. Do you see a team named for the Confederacy? No! There is no room for any reference to that tragic war that cost this country so many young men's lives.

I am also offended by the blatant references to the Catholic religion among our sports team names. Totally inappropriate to have the New Orleans Saints, the Los Angeles Angels or the San Diego Padres.

Then there are the team names that glorify criminals who raped and pillaged. We are talking about the horrible Oakland Raiders, the Minnesota Vikings, the Tampa Bay Buccaneers and the Pittsburgh Pirates!
Now, let us address those teams that clearly send the wrong message to our children. The San Diego Chargers promote irresponsible fighting or even spending habits. Wrong message to our children.

The New York Giants and the San Francisco Giants promote obesity, a growing childhood epidemic. Wrong message to our children.

The Cincinnati Reds promote downers/barbiturates. Wrong message to our children.

The Milwaukee Brewers. Well that goes without saying. Wrong message to our children.

So, there you go. We need to support any legislation that comes out to rectify this travesty, because the government will likely become involved with this issue, as they should. Just the kind of thing the do-nothing Congress loves.

As a diehard Oregon State fan, my wife and I, with all of this in mind, suggest it might also make some sense to change the name of the Oregon State women's athletic teams to something other than "the Beavers" (especially when they play Southern California. Do we really want the Trojans sticking it to the Beavers???

I always love your articles and I generally agree with them. As for the Redskins name I would suggest they change the name to the “Foreskins” to better represent their community, paying tribute to the dick heads in Congress.
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  #65  
Old 13th August 2017, 17:58
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All sports teams names should reflect something pleasant and non-agressive. I would suggest flower names, Daffodil, Pansy and Violet spring to mind.
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  #66  
Old 15th August 2017, 13:39
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Ole is a farmer in Minnesota. He needs a new milk cow, and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota. (That would be North Dakota for you non-Scandahoovians out der.)

He drives to Nordakota, finds the farm and looks at the cow.

He reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the tit and pulls, the cow farts.

Ole is surprised. He looks at the farmer selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again.

He grabs another tit, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion, Ole buys the cow and takes her home.

He gets back to Minnesota, and calls over his neighbor Jimmy Mooney, and says, "Jimmy, come look at disere new cow I yust bought. Pull her tit, and see vat happens."

So Jimmy reaches under, pulls the tit - and the cow farts.

Jimmy looks at Ole and sez, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, din’t yah?"

Ole is surprised since he hadn't told Jimmy about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah, dats right. But how'd yah now?"

Jimmy says, "My wife's from Nordakota."
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  #67  
Old 18th August 2017, 15:49
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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After 10 years, the wife starts to think their child looks kind of strange so she decides to do a DNA test.

She finds out that the child is actually from completely different parents.

Wife: Honey, I have something very serious to tell you

Husband: What’s up?

Wife: According to DNA test results, this is not our kid

Husband: Well you don't’ remember, do you?? When we were leaving the hospital, we noticed that our baby had pooped. Then you said: - Please go change the baby, I’ll wait for you here. So I went inside, got a clean one and left the dirty one there
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  #68  
Old 18th August 2017, 18:43
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Oh Dear Bob, .... oh dear.

(Very funny though ..... )
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  #69  
Old 19th August 2017, 16:04
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Don't worry Bob, they can get worse
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  #70  
Old 27th August 2017, 17:08
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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This should make Bob's Groan-o-Meter hit the stops



Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States, wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says:

"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk."

"Is, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon."

With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.

There's raw bacon, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon ... Every imaginable kind of cured pork.

"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree."

"Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don't forget."

"Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon. Ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree."

And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath,

"Pepe... Go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!"

"Luis, Luis MI amigo. What ees it? "

"Pepe.. Ees not a bacon tree. Ees


Ees


Ees


Ees



Ees a ham bush."
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  #71  
Old 27th August 2017, 18:02
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.......
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  #72  
Old 27th August 2017, 19:58
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I'll second that
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  #73  
Old 28th August 2017, 15:24
Bob Smith United Kingdom Bob Smith is offline
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Ahh.. you liked it then
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  #74  
Old 28th August 2017, 16:16
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If you're getting a new one wouldn't digital have been cheaper?
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  #75  
Old 28th August 2017, 17:53
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With some of these jokes only if the counter could go up to a Googolplex raised to the power of a Googolplex.
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Last edited by BobClay; 29th August 2017 at 19:59.
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