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  #1451  
Old 13th September 2022, 14:00
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I just saw a sports car being driven by a sheep in a swimsuit.

It was a Lambikini.
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  #1452  
Old 13th September 2022, 14:04
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Here kitty…
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  #1453  
Old 13th September 2022, 14:21
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I was on the beach in Blackpool this morning, when I found a man with just his head sticking out of sand.
"You alright mate ?" I asked.
"My kids buried me and and can't get out" He said.
"I'll get a spade" I said as I went for help.
"Make it a big one " He said " I'm sitting on a donkey!"hub
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  #1454  
Old 14th September 2022, 01:15
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Alternative script line ......
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  #1455  
Old 14th September 2022, 16:14
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All the A E I O and U's have been stolen from Theatre Signs in our region.

Police suspect several cases of vowel play.
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  #1456  
Old 15th September 2022, 00:24
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A lorry carrying a full load of treacle was in a bad accident on the motorway this afternoon, spilling its load across all carriageways.

The Chief Inspector of the Traffic Division apologised for any delays, and said his staff will stick on the job until they finish their investigations.
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  #1457  
Old 15th September 2022, 07:59
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My mate started his new job yesterday as an apprentice in a tailor's shop.
His first job was to learn how to alter a suit that had been worn by an 18 stone bloke who’d dieted and was now down to 10 stone.

When I asked him how he was coping with the work he said, “It was a lot to take in.”
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  #1458  
Old 16th September 2022, 21:07
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My musician friend Henry bought some goldfish and named them Major, Minor, Ionian, Dorian, Aolian, Mixolydian, and Phrygian.

The only way he could tell them apart was by studying their scales.
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  #1459  
Old 16th September 2022, 23:33
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Originally Posted by Ron Stringer View Post
My musician friend Henry bought some goldfish and named them Major, Minor, Ionian, Dorian, Aolian, Mixolydian, and Phrygian.

The only way he could tell them apart was by studying their scales.
Why didn't he name one Avery, Ron?
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  #1460  
Old 18th September 2022, 08:49
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My dog accidentally swallowed a whole bag of Scrabble tiles. Took him to the vet to get him checked out.

No word yet ....
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  #1461  
Old 18th September 2022, 10:48
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Robert!

(I am making a stab at what magic exclamation you mother would have made to stop you when you were behaving badly!)
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
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To give employment to the artisan
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  #1462  
Old 18th September 2022, 17:21
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Julius Caesar and Pompey the Great were rivals for the position of First Consul of Rome. They spoke before the Senate, putting forward their cases for election to the post, by recounting their deeds in the service of Rome.
“When the Gauls attacked Rome, I defended the city,” Pompey said, “and drove them out killing 100,000 Gauls.”
“I invaded Gaul,” Caesar said, “and I too slew 100,000 Gauls.”
So the Senate gave the position to Caesar because in Europe away Gauls count double.
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  #1463  
Old 18th September 2022, 17:40
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Oh yes that one takes the biscuit ....
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  #1464  
Old 20th September 2022, 23:32
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Three Nuns died in a car wreck and ended at the Pearly gates.
St Peter welcomed them and said before entering they had to answer a question to ensure they knew about the Bible.
First one he asked, Who was the first man on earth ?
That was Adam. Correct you may enter.
Next Nun your question is, who was the first woman on earth??
That would be Eve St.Peter was her response.
The third Nun was the Mother Superior.
St Peter said as you should be more knowledgeable so you get a more difficult question.
What were Eve's first words when she saw Adam?
Oh, that's a hard one she commented.
Correct. You may now enter heavan.
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  #1465  
Old 21st September 2022, 22:17
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My mate was in A & E this morning following an accident. He struggled removing his jogging pants for the examination.

As a result the Doctor has said that he needs an emergency trackybottomy.
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  #1466  
Old 22nd September 2022, 08:07
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Gas up, oil up, butter eggs and cheese up, inflation rising, pay rises derisory, sterling tanking against the dollar, 2182 Virus running amok and now we have "As a result the Doctor has said that he needs an emergency trackybottomy".
Dear God is there no relief for the afflicted.
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  #1467  
Old 22nd September 2022, 08:32
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Before we get to Movember, if anyone wants to sponsor me to eat Swiss chocolate next month, I’m doing Octoblerone.
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  #1468  
Old 22nd September 2022, 10:58
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A lorry loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load. Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.
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  #1469  
Old 22nd September 2022, 13:01
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I'm a beneficiary ....
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Corporal Hicks
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  #1470  
Old 22nd September 2022, 13:27
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It's over the road from Bugga Hall. You'll be OK as long as it's not fitted with Crittall windows or flat rooves!
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Lord Finchley tried to mend the electric light
Himself. It struck him dead and serve him right
It is the duty of the wealthy man
To give employment to the artisan
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  #1471  
Old 23rd September 2022, 15:37
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No offence mates.
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  #1472  
Old 23rd September 2022, 17:21
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Don't worry my shipmates, Rees Mogg and Tess Coffy will have the unemployed, lame and sick making cobble roads in all weathers and the lower classes don't need any PPE. They built Ermine Street and the Titanic wearing a bit of an overcoat.
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  #1473  
Old Yesterday, 14:53
Y0ungN1ck United Kingdom Y0ungN1ck is offline
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I'm a beneficiary ....
I am not sure where Sod Hall is but Sweet F* Hall was in Buntingford:

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  #1474  
Old Yesterday, 17:17
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Then there is Hacienda La Chingada, in Morelos!
Rgds.
Dave
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  #1475  
Old Yesterday, 18:09
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FW: This Is priceless...

At one point during a game, the coach
called one of his 9-year-old baseball players aside
and asked, “Do you understand what co-operation is? What a team is?”

“Yes, coach,” replied the little boy.

“Do you understand that what matters is whether we win or lose together, as a team?”

The little boy nodded in the affirmative.

“So,” the coach continued, “I’m sure you know,
when an out is called, you shouldn't argue, or curse,
or attack the umpire, or call him an asshole.
Do you understand all that?”

Again, the little boy nodded in the affirmative.

The coach continued, “And when I take you out of the game
so that another boy gets a chance to play,
we don’t call that 'a dumbass decision' or
or that it means that the coach is 'a shithead', right??”

“Yes, coach.”

“Good”, said the coach.

“Now go over there and explain all that to your grandmother.”
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