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  #676  
Old 27th February 2021, 10:16
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Originally Posted by Makko View Post
Ha ha ha! At least now, I know that a Jumbo jet will fit in half a football pitch, should I wish to park one! How big is a Jumbo jet?????? I shall have to find out!
Rgds.
Dave
Do you wan that measurement in London buses or Blue Whales?. Both seem to be valid measurement systems.
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  #677  
Old 27th February 2021, 10:42
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Well I've been practicing with Microsoft's new flight simulator and I'm getting very close to landing an Airbus on my lawn. I just need to shorten the landing length a bit. (Trouble is, the neighbours are getting peed off with the fire and wreckage. )
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  #678  
Old 27th February 2021, 11:05
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YM-Mundrabilla Australia YM-Mundrabilla is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Farmer John View Post
Do you wan that measurement in London buses or Blue Whales?. Both seem to be valid measurement systems.
Don't forget that Statues of Liberty, Empire State Buildings, Eiffel Towers, Sydney Harbours, Olympic swimming pools, aircraft carriers, F1 cars and Queen Mary's funnels are all measures of something or other. They even weigh Melbourne trams in rhinoceroses.
How many jumbo jets equal an aircraft carrier?
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If Global Warming is so prevalent why are there so many snowflakes around?
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  #679  
Old 27th February 2021, 12:30
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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London buses are in Imperial; Whales, Blue or Menke, are always in Metric. Would you settle on two Olympic size swimming pools?

S h i t YM beat me to the swimming pool.
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  #680  
Old 27th February 2021, 13:33
rogd United Kingdom rogd is offline
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Everything seems to be the size of Wales!!
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  #681  
Old 27th February 2021, 21:22
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Wales were plenty big in Cardiff this evening.
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  #682  
Old 28th February 2021, 00:12
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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How do you get two whales in a Mini? Just drive over the Shotton Bridge and go past RAF Sealand!
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  #683  
Old 28th February 2021, 11:58
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A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left.

Amazing, he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then to 120. Suddenly he thought, what am I doing? I'm to old for this, and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.

Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said: "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."

The old man paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a state trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

The trooper nodded, smiled, and walked away.
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  #684  
Old 1st March 2021, 00:22
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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I talked with a homeless man this morning and asked him how he ended up this way.
He said, "Up until last week, I still had it all. I had plenty to eat, my clothes were washed and pressed, I had a roof over my head, I had HDTV and Internet, and I went to the gym, the pool, and the library. "I was working on my MBA on-line. I had no bills and no debt. I even had full medical coverage.”
I felt sorry for him, so I asked, "What happened? Drugs? Alcohol? Divorce?”
"Oh no, nothing like that," he said. "No, no.... I was paroled.
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  #685  
Old 1st March 2021, 09:59
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Even though you can see the joke coming from a mile off ... you still end up laughing.

https://youtu.be/THNPmhBl-8I
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  #686  
Old 1st March 2021, 19:50
Makko Mexico Makko is offline
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Thanks Bob, a good chuckle was had!

Rgds.
Dave
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  #687  
Old 1st March 2021, 22:21
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Ship Happens

i lost 8 years of shipping files last week - i had inadvertently deleted all my shipping files - roughly 700 000 images - with one click of a button - and my better half ? () sends me this ....
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  #688  
Old 3rd March 2021, 23:36
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Well, if it works....
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  #689  
Old 5th March 2021, 10:32
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A teacher gave her class of 11 year olds an assignment: To get their parent
to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day the kids came back and one by one began to tell their stories.
Ashley said, 'My father's a farmer and we have a lot of egg-laying hens.
One time we were taking our eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of
the car when we hit a big bump in the road and all the eggs got broken.'

'What's the morale of that story?' asked the teacher.
'Don't put all your eggs in one basket!'
'Very good,' said the teacher.

Next little Sarah raised her hand and said, 'Our family are farmers too.
But we raise chickens for the meat market. One day we had a dozen eggs, but
when they hatched we only got ten live chicks, and the moral to this story
is, 'Don't count your chickens before they're hatched'.'

'That was a fine story Sarah,' said the teacher.

The teacher turned to Little Johnny and asked: 'Do you have a story to share?'
'Yes. My daddy told me this story about my Aunty Sharon. Aunty Sharon was a
flight engineer on a plane in the Gulf War and her plane got hit.
She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of
whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.
She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break and then she
landed right in the middle of 100 enemy troops. She killed seventy of them
with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty
more with the machete until the blade broke and then she killed the last
ten with her bare hands.'

'Good heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What kind of moral did your
daddy tell you from that horrible story?'


'Don't f**k with Auntie Sharon when she's p1ssed!'
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #690  
Old 5th March 2021, 15:30
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al1934 England al1934 is offline
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Brilliant advice!!!
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Best Wishes,


Alick
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  #691  
Old 5th March 2021, 15:45
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
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Bertie Wooster's Aunt Agatha would have killed 100 enemy troops with one of her looks. And after a small sweet sherry.
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  #692  
Old 9th March 2021, 21:11
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Two American pilots, one flies a C130, the other an F15.
They have both been tasked with a transfer flight to another airbase and decide to fly in company.
The C130 pilot gets airborne and is joined at speed by the F15 pilot on his port side.
F15 hails C130: 'Hi, isn't that thing a bit boring?'
C130: 'What do you mean by boring?
F15: 'Just look at what this baby can do' With that he launches into aerobatics all around the C130 and then returns to station and says: 'You can't match that'
C130: 'Tell you what, I'll show you what I can do, Its about 20 minutes to the next waypoint, you just hold station and watch'
The C130 flies straight and level for near 19 minutes.
F15: 'When are you going to do something?'
C130: 'I did, I got up, went for a walk, had a cup of coffee and a doughnut, went to the john, now I'm back ready for the course alteration. Impressive eh?'
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  #693  
Old 10th March 2021, 21:30
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News flash

News Flash
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  #694  
Old 11th March 2021, 00:18
lakercapt Canada lakercapt is offline
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Vaccine
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center. He noticed his vision was blurred on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.
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  #695  
Old 11th March 2021, 09:34
john Cassels Netherlands john Cassels is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lakercapt View Post
Vaccine
This happened yesterday and is important information for our age group.
A friend had his 2nd dose of the vaccine at the vaccination center. He noticed his vision was blurred on the way home.
When he got home, he called the vaccination center for advice and to ask if he should go see a doctor, or be hospitalized.
He was told NOT to go to a doctor or a hospital, but just return to the vaccination center immediately and pick up his glasses.
Nice one Bill .
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  #696  
Old 24th March 2021, 10:14
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This is me of late .....
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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #697  
Old 28th March 2021, 09:34
Chillytoes Australia Chillytoes is offline
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All our problems solved!
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  #698  
Old 28th March 2021, 17:17
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Here's one for Bob Clay.

A pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his zipper. The bartender says, “Hey there’s a steering wheel sticking out of your zipper," to which the pirate exclaims “AAAAARRRRRRRGH, it’s driving me nuts!!!"
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  #699  
Old 28th March 2021, 18:24
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◄----- removes hat. "Farewell Groan-o-meter. Rest in Peace."

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"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
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  #700  
Old 29th March 2021, 01:40
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YM-Mundrabilla Australia YM-Mundrabilla is offline
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Problem solved - only a politician could do it .................. Doing the rounds here in Oz at the moment.
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If Global Warming is so prevalent why are there so many snowflakes around?
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