Go Back   Shipping History > Swinging The Lamp (Off Topic) > The Pig & Whistle

Humour the best of medicine

Post Reply
 
Thread Tools
  #1376  
Old 12th August 2022, 22:20
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
Right Ron ... (rolls up sleeves.)

A young man walks onto the stage of 'Stars in their Eyes,' on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon. "About a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful. I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle." ..
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #1377  
Old 12th August 2022, 23:55
Dartskipper's Avatar
Dartskipper United Kingdom Dartskipper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Paignton. Devon.
Posts: 1,246
Images: 293
A prison warder was in the Governor's office, discussing the new inmates.

"One of them is a bit odd, sir." said the warder.
"In what way?" asked the governor.
"Well Sir, he's ok most of the time, but at breakfast he gets rowdy. When he is served with Cornflakes, or Shreddies, or Weetabix, or Shredded Wheat, he just shouts abuse at his bowl. It's very strange."
"Let's have a look in his file," says the governor. "Ah, I see what his problem is now. We may not be able to correct his behaviour it seems."
"Why not Sir?"
"His file says he's a cereal offender."
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
Reply With Quote
  #1378  
Old 13th August 2022, 08:34
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
####i think some of youse is suffering from Obsessive Compulsive something or other. Is there a cure? A daily dose of Vegemite may help.
Reply With Quote
  #1379  
Old 13th August 2022, 12:08
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
When bees move into a new hive, do they have a house swarming party?
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
Reply With Quote
  #1380  
Old 14th August 2022, 11:45
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
There's always one .....
Attached Images
File Type: jpg Velcrow.jpg (55.7 KB, 88 views)
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #1381  
Old 16th August 2022, 14:47
shipwreckssa's Avatar
shipwreckssa shipwreckssa is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2021
Posts: 28
Images: 334
why a ship captain can go wrong

so when asked what does the costa concordia captain reply to
Attached Images
File Type: jpg costa concordia pun.jpg (20.8 KB, 64 views)
Reply With Quote
  #1382  
Old 17th August 2022, 12:28
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
John, the farmer who owns the field across the road from me, recently spent £16,500 on this registered Black Angus bull. He put it out with the herd but it just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. He said he was beginning to think he had paid more for that bull than it was worth.

Anyway...... he had the Vet come and take a look at him.

The vet said that the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave John some pills to feed him once per day.

They certainly did the trick and the bull started to service the cows within two days……. all the cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of the his neighbour's cows! He's like a machine!

I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him but but John tells me they kind of taste like peppermint.
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.

Last edited by Ron Stringer; 17th August 2022 at 17:32.
Reply With Quote
  #1383  
Old 17th August 2022, 15:10
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
Reminded me of Mint Imperials.
Reply With Quote
  #1384  
Old 18th August 2022, 08:12
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
The report on the effects on the environment of the introduction of beavers into UK rivers has been released.

The results are damning.
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
Reply With Quote
  #1385  
Old 18th August 2022, 08:32
Dartskipper's Avatar
Dartskipper United Kingdom Dartskipper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Paignton. Devon.
Posts: 1,246
Images: 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron Stringer View Post
The report on the effects on the environment of the introduction of beavers into UK rivers has been released.

The results are damning.
I'm choked up now.
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
Reply With Quote
  #1386  
Old 18th August 2022, 09:09
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
Good news!! I’ve finally sold my collection of vintage glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered £500 to take them off my hands.
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
Reply With Quote
  #1387  
Old 18th August 2022, 11:26
Dartskipper's Avatar
Dartskipper United Kingdom Dartskipper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Paignton. Devon.
Posts: 1,246
Images: 293
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ron Stringer View Post
Good news!! I’ve finally sold my collection of vintage glove puppets.

A collector phoned and offered £500 to take them off my hands.
Sounds like a clean Sweep, Ron.
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
Reply With Quote
  #1388  
Old 20th August 2022, 20:48
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
During the hot weather the security guard at Tesco accused me of unnecessary stockpiling. He checked the trolley & found 10kg of ice cream, 31 tins of fruit, 3 boxes of wafers and 3 litres of raspberry sauce....

He said “You’ve enough food in this trolley for a month of sundaes.”
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
Reply With Quote
  #1389  
Old 21st August 2022, 15:49
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
Relax guys.
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG-20220821-WA0002.jpg (29.0 KB, 56 views)
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.
Reply With Quote
  #1390  
Old 21st August 2022, 18:44
Ron Stringer's Avatar
Ron Stringer England Ron Stringer is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Essex, England
Posts: 250
Reached the end
Attached Images
File Type: jpg IMG-20220821-WA0004.jpg (86.6 KB, 8 views)
__________________
Ron

__________________________________________________ _________________________
Never regret growing older. It is a privilege denied to many. Don't worry about old age - it doesn't last.

Last edited by Ron Stringer; 21st August 2022 at 18:48.
Reply With Quote
  #1391  
Old 22nd August 2022, 06:42
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
OK I stole it but beat it you regulars, 'I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.'
Reply With Quote
  #1392  
Old 22nd August 2022, 07:10
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
Beat this Stringer; My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
Reply With Quote
  #1393  
Old 22nd August 2022, 07:13
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
Beat this Clay; "I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx"
Reply With Quote
  #1394  
Old 22nd August 2022, 07:14
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
Beat this Dartskipper; "I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back"
Reply With Quote
  #1395  
Old 22nd August 2022, 07:15
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
Beat this Serang;

Chorus; Shut up you bum.
Reply With Quote
  #1396  
Old 22nd August 2022, 07:37
Malcolm G's Avatar
Malcolm G Malcolm G is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Poole
Posts: 1,550
Images: 6
There was a time when the Edinburgh Fringe one-liners were worth remembering and repeating.
Not any more apparently.
__________________
The Mad Landsman
Reply With Quote
  #1397  
Old 22nd August 2022, 11:22
BobClay's Avatar
BobClay United Kingdom BobClay is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Cornwall UK
Posts: 1,530
Images: 73
The end is nigh !!!

https://youtu.be/V7NlFWh7Sz8
__________________
"I say we take off, nuke the site from orbit. It's the only way to be sure."
Corporal Hicks
(Actually Ripley said it first.)
Reply With Quote
  #1398  
Old 22nd August 2022, 13:06
Malcolm G's Avatar
Malcolm G Malcolm G is online now
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Poole
Posts: 1,550
Images: 6
Here’s the others…
Attached Images
File Type: jpeg D9202376-A94B-455B-826C-46F656E05176.jpeg (125.7 KB, 46 views)
__________________
The Mad Landsman
Reply With Quote
  #1399  
Old 22nd August 2022, 14:11
Engine Serang Northern Ireland Engine Serang is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: May 2017
Location: Dublin,but I'd rather be in Stavanger.
Posts: 2,921
I did pick the best, or worst depending.

I'm glad you take the Mail, sound man.
Reply With Quote
  #1400  
Old 22nd August 2022, 15:50
Dartskipper's Avatar
Dartskipper United Kingdom Dartskipper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2017
Location: Paignton. Devon.
Posts: 1,246
Images: 293
Tim Vine used to have the best ones.

e.g. "I got into an argument with a bloke in a lift. He was just wrong on so many levels."

Another one by somebody else;

" I saw a dead baby ghost in the gutter on my way to the theatre this afternoon."

"It could have been a handkerchief."
__________________
"You do not ask a tame seagull why it needs to disappear from time to time towards the open sea. It goes. That's all." Bernard Moitessier.
Reply With Quote
Post Reply

Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT +1. The time now is 14:49.


Powered by vBulletin® Version 3.8.7
Copyright ©2000 - 2024, vBulletin Solutions, Inc.